Ready Steady Zelda!
by Cool Azure
Summary: You knew someone was going to do it! Ready Steady Zelda, the only cooking show worth watching in hyrule! Beware of the craziness and watch out for the food! Are you ready? Steady? Then go go go
1. Thongs and Fish

Disclaimer: huff puff, we don't own Zelda!

Ready Steady Zelda

Cheesy music begins to play as we see Zelda walking out onto the main stage dressed in a black cardigan and knee high matching skirt with red high heels. The crowds pretend not to notice as she trips rather than suffer her royal wrath. She quickly jumps up and waves to the camera.

"Hi! Welcome to Ready Steady Zelda the only cooking show in Hyrule! As you know I'm Princess Zelda and I'll be the hostess. The aim of this show is to have two teams of two competing against each other to create the best tasting dish but they will only have 30 minutes to do it! To decide the winner our special food taster Crazy Windmill guy will taste each dish, if he doesn't pass out then they'll be the winners!"

The audience cheers.

"Now to introduce the two teams. The first team will be Bright orange and its members are; Princess Ruto and Mido!"

Ruto and Mido enter the studio, some members of the crowd throw eggs and half cooked chickens at them, one chicken hits Mido on the head and knocks him out. Ruto grabbed the chicken off his head and began to chew it.

"Mmmm tastes like chicken…oh wait it is!"

Zelda walks over, grabs Mido and takes the chicken off Ruto throwing it behind her back causing it to smash one of the windows.

"Erm oops eheh, anyway welcome Ruto and Mido! You will be the Bright orange team so you will need to wear these bright orange aprons"

The audience screams at the brightness of the aprons and puts sunglasses on.

Ruto looked at the aprons in disgust.

"WHAT!? There is no way I am wearing that!"

Zelda shoves it over Ruto's head and pushed them behind one of the counters and continued with the show.

"And now for the next team who will be the Bright pink team, welcome Impa and Ganondorf!"

Some members of the crowd throw random objects like cactuses and watering cans. One cactus hits Ganondorf right on the nose.

"Ow now my nose is dented! Why I outta!" He yelled as he shook a fist at the camera.

"Um anyway now we will see what our teams have brought to cook!" Zelda said while smiling at the crowds.

She walks over to Bright orange's counter to take a look. Ruto is busy chucking the contents of her bag all over the table while Mido is just staring.

"So Ruto what did you bring and what are you planning to make?"

Ruto stopped what she was doing and turned to the camera.

"Well, I have some fish, some more fish, and some fish from the river oh and almost forgot…some fish!"

"Call me crazy but I'd say fish is on the menu today then." Zelda said picking up one of the fish.

"Oh good idea I never though of that!" Ruto exclaimed jumping up and down.

Zelda sighs and rolls her eyes at the camera.

"And Mido what did you bring?"

Mido digs in his pocket and drags out a single root placing it next to Ruto's pile of fish. Zelda stared at it in disbelief.

"Erm lovely, you two seem to have some great ingredients there. Now let's see what team Bright pink has brought."

She heads over to where Ganondorf and Impa are just putting on their bright pink aprons. Ganondorf is looking into one of the mirrors over the sink.

"Does this make me look fat?" He asked still looking in the mirror.

"No Ganon not at all." Impa said while sniggering behind his back.

"So what did you two bring?" Zelda interrupted them.

"Let me see, I have some deku nuts, a redead's arm, a pocket watch and a green thong…HEY how'd that get in there!?" Ganondorf yelled hiding the thong behind his back.

"And I have a grain of rice, a skulltula egg and some of the finest Sheikah wine in Hyrule" Impa said pulling out her ingredients."

"Sounds interesting, I wonder what Ganondorf gets up to in that thong? Anyway both teams shall now have exactly half an hour to cook up something edible for Windmill guy to eat. Let the cooking commence!" Zelda shouted as she signaled for the timer to start.

A bell sounds and the teams get started.

"Now Mido what shall we make with these ingredients?" Ruto asked.

Mido took a look at the food in front of him.

"Um fish and root? Root fish? Fish with root in mouth?"

Ruto put her finger to her lips and thought for a moment. "Yeeees, all good ideas but how about we make a fish root cake?"

"Eh? But we have no proper cake ingredients." He pointed out.

Ruto began to search in the cupboards and pulled out a rolling pin.

"Um Ruto, What are you gonna do? Roll the fish or something?"

Ruto smiled with an evil look in her eye.

"Exactly, we can use fish for everything!"

Over at the Bright pink's counter they were also deciding what to make.

"Hmm I know! Let's make a redead pudding with a wine and deku nut sauce?" Impa suggested.

Ganondorf agreed so they got to work.

Zelda walked to the center stage smiling at the camera.

"Well we are 5 minuets in and everything seems to be well…oh no scratch that Ruto is on fire!"

"Ahhhh put it out put it out! Who knew fish were so flammable!" Ruto screamed while running around in a circle.

Mido throws a banana at Ruto's head in hopes it will suppress the fire. It doesn't and the fire spreads to Impa's hair, which is burnt to a crisp instantly because of all the hair spray she uses.

"My hair!" She cried.

Zelda pulls a fire extinguisher from her skirt (O-O) and overwhelms the flames, everybody resumes cooking.

"Phew! Let's go over to the Pink table to see how they're doing!"

Impa is nursing the loss of her hair while Ganondorf holds the Skulltula egg over the heat; unfortunately the egg hatches and dashes away.

"Nuts!" He shouted as the spider escaped.

"They're next to the pocket watch." Impa sighed casually.

Zelda headed over to have a chat with the windmill guy.

"All seems well! Now Windmill guy, how are you feeling about testing these…creations?"

"Go around, go around!"

"Yes but how do-"

"Go around, go around!"

"Will you stop-"

"Go around, go around!"

"Right I'm just not going to talk to you anymore!"

Zelda walks over to the orange table leaving the Windmill guy to cackle insanely.

Mido is crushing his root ready to put into the cake, when he sees something dash past.

"Hay Ruto, did you see that?"

"Wha- Ahhhhh!"

The Skulltula baby had now latched onto Ruto's head and is trying to devour her.

"Eeeeew" It said as it tasted Ruto's head

Now the skulltula baby deciding it doesn't like rotten fish launches itself at Mido, deciding that the crazy little Kokiri would make a good 'Mamma.' _'Now._' The little arachnid thought, _'To get some of mammas' milk!'_

Mido sadly was having none of it so tossed the little spider into his cake mixture.

Over at the pink table Impa was adding her main ingredient to her pudding, the redead arm. But the redead arm, not wanting to be a pudding jumped out of the bowl and started to strangle her; Impa screeched like a banshee and threw the arm at Zelda.

"Ahhhhh! Watch where you throw your rotten arms!" Zelda screamed.

Luckily for Zelda she was a world wrestling champion so decided to 'lay the smack down' on that cheeky little arm.

Having recovered Impa looked over to see what Ganondorf was up to when she noticed he had a fuzzy in his hair.

"Oh Ganon you have a little white fuzzy in your hair." She said.

Ganondorf shrieked like a little girl and started jumping up and down, unfortunately whacking Impa with his spoon.

"Get it out! Get it out!"

Impa now looked quite a spectacle with no hair and a big spoon imprint on her face, but she managed to pull herself up and remove the offending fuzzy, deciding the fuzzy looked tasty she dropped it into the mixture.

Over at the orange table Mido was making the dough.

"Hurry up I wanna press the button!" Ruto yelled

"But it's not ready!"

But Ruto being the crazy child she is, hit the button anyway, flour and dough flew all over the studio destroying many expensive cameras, the audience, being very displeased with being covered in cake crud decided to throw rubber-duckies at the orange team.

Zelda dodging the yellow projectiles made her way to the centre of the studio.

"Well teams your food should now be in the ovens, we now have a 3 minute break; join us after for the testing!"

Announcer guy - Do your tunics itch? Do your fish scales never stay white? Well with 'Navi's cleaning products' these problems will be a thing of the past, just send us 200 rupees to 747 Deku tree lane, for your free trial if you're not 100% satisfied then we'll send you your money back! Remember you can't save Hyrule without a clean tunic!

Announcer guy 2 - Can you never reach those high places? Always being caught short? Well with springy boots you can now reach any height! They now come in a brand new design, Springy sneakers! Picture of Link jumping and landing in an uncomfortable position Springy boots, it's the only way to go!

"Welcome back! Now it's time to taste these…creations? Windmill guy are you ready?"

"Go around! Go around!"

"Take that as a yes."

Ganondorf and Impa bring their pudding forward, but the windmill guy was too busy singing to take a bite, so Zelda picked up some of the food and shoved it in his mouth.

"Mmmm red!"

"I take it you like?" Zelda asked.

"Mmmm blue!"

"Well he isn't dead so that must be good, now orange team your turn!"

Ruto hands a spoonful of their gloop to the Windmill guy, he begins to chew.

"Mmmm pain."

The Windmill guy continued to chew, suddenly he turned red and then he went from green to purple to blue, he jumped up looking around for water but ended up dropping to the ground never to get back up then a stretcher was called in and he was removed from the set.

"Well I guess that makes Ganondorf and Impa the winners! See you in the final! But no one goes away empty handed, Ruto and Mido, you are both banned from the set!"

Two big bouncers come in and remove the offending pair.

"Thank you all for tuning in! See you all next time on, Ready Steady Zelda!"

End

Azure Rose: **Dances** Wooo that was fun!!

CoolKD: **also Dances** Yep nothing better than seeing the Zelda gang getting burnt and eaten by random things.

Azure Rose: Please review!

CoolKD: Or send milky bars!

Azure Rose: Or cookies!

CoolKD: Or bacon!

Azure Rose: Flames will be laughed at and then fed to Ruto!

**Hat rippers appear**

Azure Rose & CoolKD: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh run away!


	2. Chu chu's and Christmas trees

Disclaimer: Between us we own some silly string and a mince pie. We do not own Zelda…Or Scooby-Doo, but we do own the idea so no stealing!! We all know plagiarism is a crime.

Author's note: Another crazy chapter from Azure Rose and CoolKD, it's all fun so please don't take anything to seriously… or you'll get wrinkles!

Ready Steady Zelda!

By CoolKd and Azure Rose

ChuChu's and Christmas trees

Loud music plays that sounds suspiciously like Slipknot as Zelda walks out into the studio, she turns and waves her arms at some people backstage, one second later and the cheesy music begins to play.

"Hi! And welcome back to another fun packed episode of Ready Steady Zelda! Today we will have two new teams competing against each other to see who the best cooks of the world are! Unfortunately our previous food tester Crazy Windmill guy will not be with us today since he has some problems breathing, walking and just living in general. So meet our new tester, the one, the only, the old, Rauru!" Zelda announces.

Rauru steps out into the studio chewing on a half eaten chicken. Zelda stares at him oddly.

"Um, Rauru do you realize that the chicken you're eating was one that Ruto ate half of?" Zelda says eying the chicken warily.

That said, Rauru threw the chicken into the audience knocking out a man sitting in the back row.

"Hmm good aim Rauru, that guy was looking a little shifty. Anyway it's good to see our new tester but now we must move onto the contestants. Our first team will be the Bright orange team and its members will be Link and Saria!" Zelda announces waving towards the contestants as they march out onto the stage.

Link and Saria appear from backstage, Link looks quite angry.

"Hey Zelda why can't we be the green team!?" Link yelled walking up to Zelda who rolled her eyes.

"You can call yourselves the fluffy bunny team for all I care but you're still gonna wear these orange aprons got it?!" Zelda replies angrily.

Link mumbled something under his breath and walked off to his counter.

"And for the Bright pink team, Malon and Darunia!"

The pair comes onto the stage and we see Malon throwing free bottles of Lon Lon milk to members of the audience.

"Drink Lon Lon milk, it goes a 'Lon Lon' way!" Malon chirped. Zelda slapped her head while shoving pink aprons on them both.

"Now let's see what the Orange team has brought." Says Zelda as she flounces over to the orange team.

Link lifts up his bag and removes: a hat, an ocarina, a Chu Chu, some fairy dust and a loaf of bread. The Chu Chu which was seemingly dead turned out to be alive and began to sliver towards Malon, Saria screeched in terror and jumped into Link's arms in a very scobby-doo like moment.

The Chu Chu, which was red if you really want to know, dived at Malon and swallowed her whole body in one massive bite but then realized she didn't taste so good and spat her out again, minus her clothes, and Malon flew nakedly across the stage into a Christmas tree that was just randomly there.

After a few minuets de-tangling Malon from the tinsel and bulbuls, Malon regarded her naked state.

"What the bloody-chu am I gonna do now?" Yelled an angry Malon.

"Here my dear you can borrow my tee-shirt." Rauru offered, he handed her a tee-shirt that said 'I'm every woman' on the front in puke pink, because Rauru was so fat the shirt was more like a dress, with that problem solved that show went on.

The Chu Chu which was now trying to eat Links hat was quickly sliced into pieces so that the succulent jelly could be used for pie.

"Now," Zelda said sighing and flicking some jelly out of her hair, "What have you brought along Pink team?"

Malon pulled out her ingredients: The fire medallion, a shoe, some beef, milk and some rocks. The fire medallion gave of an orange glow protesting about being eaten.

Zelda raised her starting gun in the air, "Begin cooking, you have 30 minutes!" she shot the gun, which turned out to be a real gun, a pidgin fell though the sky light and landed in front of Rauru, he quickly scoffed it before anyone could notice.

Zelda wondered over to Link and Saria who were now rolling out some pastry and scattering it with bread crumbs, "What are you going to make guys?" Zelda asked, poking the dead Chu Chu.

"Chu Chu pie, with bread crumbs and a sprinkling of fairy dust to give it a kick!" Link said happily.

"Sounds…sane." Zelda said heading of towards Malon and Darunia, who were cooking the beef over the fire medallion, while stuffing the milk and shoe in a pot.

"What about you pink team, what culinary delights will we be witnessing today?" Zelda asked.

"Cul- what? What in Virginia are you talking about?" Darunia asked stupidly.

"What are you making?!" Zelda asked exasperated.

"Ahh," Malon said finally understanding, "Why we're making an old Lon Lon ranch speciality, shoe beef surprise!"

"What's the surprise, not dying?" Zelda muttered backing away slowly to the centre of the stage, as she did so she didn't see Rauru rolling about on the floor and went flying over him also landing in the Christmas tree the same way Malon had done.

"Argh Rauru what in the name of the Triforce are you doing!?" Zelda yelled as some of the security guards helped her up.

"Well I was doing my daily exercises of course! A young man like myself needs to keep in shape you know!" Rauru said as he jumped up and wiped himself off

Zelda walked back onto the stage and grabbed Rauru by his shirt, "I'll exercise you in a minute if you don't go and sit where you're supposed to!"

After that little outburst Zelda headed back over to the Orange table to see what Link and Saria were doing, she picked up the ocarina, "So Saria why did you bring your ocarina here today, I assume you're not going to try and cook it?"

Saria stopped messing with the oven and came over to Zelda.

"Oh no I'm not going to cook it; I brought it to play music to the food!" She said merrily

With that she began to play really out of tune songs causing Zelda to cover her ears.

"I thought Saria could play the ocarina quite well?" Zelda asked Link who was also covering his ears.

"Oh that wasn't her in the game; it was her stunt double that was put in to make her look like she had some talent."

"Hey at least I didn't need a stunt double to exit my house for me! Link couldn't even climb down his ladder without getting scared." Saria pointed out.

Link went bright red and hid behind his hat while Zelda moved onto the other team.

Just as Zelda was nearing the Pink team there was a loud beeping followed by Malon searching through her pocket and bringing out her camera phone.

"Hmm looks like I have a new picture message, let's see who it's from." She casually said as she opened the message. "What the? AAAAAHHHH!" Malon suddenly fainted; luckily Darunia caught her and took a look at the picture.

"Oh my innocent eyes!" He screamed and also fainted. Zelda grabbed the phone and took a peek then flashed it at the main camera to show the world what it was.

The audience screamed in fright as they saw a picture of Ganondorf in his green thong with nothing else on.

"Either Malon is a very dark horse or that was sent to the wrong number, I think I'll say it was the latter one." Zelda said while pressing delete.

When the pink team was fully revived they all continued on their merry little ways cooking like little house elf's in Hogwarts at Christmas.

Zelda shifted over to Rauru warily, "Well…it's time I asked you some questions, against my better judgment of course… so, why did you decide to come on the show today?"

"Um I dunno I was kidnapped from the temple of light, I was just innocently eating a Ruto sandwich watching the playboy channel, what ever that is," Rauru said quickly, "Then a big net dropped on me! When I woke up, I was here."

Zelda blinked slowly, than slapped Rauru with a fish, "I'll ask again and you're going to answer properly, with nothing in that answer that will scar anyone for life, and if you don't…" She said threateningly.

"Oh right…I like food, I mean I really like food, I mean really really really like food I mean-

He was quickly silenced with a wet fish.

"So Rauru, what kind of diet is the sage of light on?" Zelda asked uninterestedly.

"Sea food." He replied seriously, "I see food and I eat it!"

"Right that's it!!" Zelda shouted and attacked the cubby sage with a stiletto while shouting, "I knew it was a bad idea having you on the show, but did any one listen no!! Why did no-one I listen, I'm the sage of wisdom for crying out loud!!"

By the end of the attack Zelda felt better; while Rauru had several heal marks on his face, and a purple stiletto up his nose.

"So teams how is everyone doing?" Zelda asked, now feeling much more cheerful.

Suddenly Link yelled, "Ahh man I got chicken juice all over my tunic!"

"Where in hyrule did you get chicken juice from?" Saria asked.

"Um, I dunno" Link replied clueless.

Without warning the remaining Chu Chu jelly that didn't make it into the pie, reformed into a hideous Chu monster, it was so terrifying both Zelda and Saria jumped into Links arms while Malon hid behind Darunia, Rauru fell of his stool and rolled away.

"Save me Link!" Saria and Zelda yelled, "It's terrifying!"

"What are you talking about?" Link shouted, "It's only half a foot tall, it's no bigger that my boomerang!!!"

Link suddenly collapsed under the girls' weight, Zelda was the first to disentangle herself, "Right guys," She said swatting the Chu into the audience knocking of a fat blond woman's wig, "You have five minutes to finish up, see you all after the commercials!"

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back to the studio

"Welcome back!" Zelda cooed, all the contestants were gathered around a counter with Rauru in the centre smiling stupidly.

"Now to the testing first," Zelda started, "The pink team, Malon, Darunia, the Beef shoe surprise if you will!"

Malon presented a bowl of a brown substance that could only be described as slop and there was part of a brown clog sticking out at one end.

Rauru scooped a healthy (sniggers) amount onto his spoon before shoving it into his mouth he chewed a few times before his eyes bulged and he spat the heal of the shoe into Darunia's eye, the fire sage fell to the floor and began rolling around in pain.

"Does this mean we lose?" Malon asked.

"We'll see if the orange team can produce a worse reaction." Zelda said, "Now the orange team."

Link pushed forward a pie that was sparkling with fairy dust; it actually looked quite nice, except for the fact that there was a hat poking out.

"Is that my spare hat?" Link cried, "I want that back you better not eat it Rauru!"

Rauru cut himself a huge chunk of pie, a part that didn't contain the hat, and swallowed it up. Then Rauru seemed to drop into a drug induced haze, he blinked once, twice, then turned to look at Zelda, "What a pretty thing you are." He cooed at her, "Come here my pretty!"

"Ahhh!" Zelda screamed running away from Rauru, "What the HELL did you put in that pie!!"

"Link that wasn't the…you know…" Saria said watching Rauru trying to climb the Christmas tree to reach Zelda, who was perched on top.

"Erm it must have been…the lust fairy dust." Link said shaking his head.

"You look like a fairy on top of the tree!" Rauru yelled, "Come to me my pretty!"

"I think this means you win brother." Darunia said as he stood now recovered from his eye injury.

"Cool." Link said nodding his head in satisfaction.

"Yippee!" Saria shouted and then proceed to jump into Links arms.

"I wanna go," Malon added, "That looks like fun!" She said, and then hopped into Links arms.

"Me too!" Darunia giggled.

"Help meeee!" Both Zelda and Link shouted.

"See you all next time, "Zelda said swaying dangerously on the tree, "Hopefully!!"

Suddenly the tree toppled over and crushed everyone.

End

CoolKD: Merry Christmas everybody!

Azure Rose: A bit early…but yeah what she said!

CoolKD: Don't cook too much!

Azure Rose: We'd like to thank SariaandLink4Ever, kat-SageOfWisdom-princessZel…

CoolKD: evanesced-twilight04 and lilhobbitgurl thank you all for your reviews!

Azure Rose: Please don't flame

CoolKD: This fic is all in good fun!

Azure Rose: Hope you all enjoyed!

CoolKD: Bye!!


	3. Arms, Legs, and all that’s Inbetween

Disclaimer: We own nothing!

Authors Notes: Please! Don't take this too seriously; this story is all in the name of fun! So go! Enjoy yourself!

Ready, Steady, Zelda!

Chapter three: Arms, Legs, and all that's In-between 

By: CoolKD and Azure Rose

The studio lights dazzle as Zelda walks boldly into the set. Her skin has an orange tinge to it and when the lights of the set shine onto her, it causes a ricochet of powerful light energy. The crew had been warned of her holiday to Termina so they all had sunglasses to protect their eyes. Though one lone idiot who operated camera four had forgotten his sun specs, he fell to the floor in a flurry of polyester fabric rolling and screaming in agony, 'My eyes! Dear Din my eyes!'

The young princess glared harshly at the withering man, who was now on fire and burning at an alarming rate, she, being an astute and bright young woman pointed to a balding man in the crowd, who were too, all wearing sunglasses, "You there, bald guy, yea you the one snorting that mushroom, you operate camera four."

The guy in question gasped in surprise at being singled out by the stunning youth, and accidentally snorted the mushroom into his windpipe and promptly chocked to death.

Growling in anger, Zelda walked over to the now incredibly burnt camera operator, and began to stamp out the flames. The guy, now looking extremely crispy, stood and gawked at the princess…she looked…incredibly orange, "Fake tan?" He muttered quietly…well he had just been burnt!

"You keep it zipped, Zippo, or I'll… get Ruto to eat…your legs." Zelda hissed whilst grinning at her very scary threat, "Now get back behind your camera, a little fire never hurt anyone!"

The camera man shivered in fear at the thought of having his legs eaten, and promptly put some sunglasses on and hid behind the large recording instrument.

Zelda returned to centre strange just as the cheesy music that we all know and love began to play, smiling brightly Zelda posed for the audience that began to clap wildly, they didn't want their legs to be eaten either.

"Well guys, girls, frogs, and incinerated masses. Welcome to Ready Steady Zelda, with your host, me Zelda!" She began, smiling passionately, "As you can probably tell, I have been on vacation! Yes Termina really does offer those essential three 'G's: Guys, gowns, and a glaring moon!"

There were several 'ooohs' and 'ahs' from the audience as Zelda spun around on the spot, her lavender dress floating about her legs to reveal some acid green boots, "I got this glorious tan from Termina too, and this dress!

But anyway, I know you'd all love to hear more about me and my trip, but alas, we must be getting on!" She cheered as she moved to stand between the work tables, there were several, 'here here's' from the crowd.

"First up," Zelda began, reading from her cue cards, "is today's taster, it says here, that this guy is a man of mystery who loves to peep through windows? Anyway, give it up for Ingo!"

Ingo strolled out from back stage, grinning…creepily at the crowd, who consequently, decided to throw straw at him, Ingo balked and began to wave his fist at the straw throwing mass only to receive a well thrown shovel up his nose, 'Take that you pineapple!' an audience member cheered.

Yanking the shovel from his nose, Ingo moved to sit by Zelda growling and scowling at his fingers, "Well…" Zelda started, "Let's hope you have life insurance, because if the food doesn't get you the audience sure as Din will." She muttered.

"Well, you've met our taster now lets bring in the Bright Orange team that you all know and…well like? Naburoo the sister of sprit, and Koume the crazy witch lady!"

Naburoo strutted onto the stage throwing kisses at the crowed who cheered and hooted madly, Naburoo winked and moved behind the counter as Koume flew onto the stage, she too began to throw kisses…which were just as quickly thrown back among many shoes and wet fish. The witch huffed and joined her team mate, glaring at the sassy spirit Sage.

"Well that was quite successful." Zelda said whilst pulling a wet fish from her hair, "So Naburoo what made you decide to come here today?"

Naburoo pulled out what looked like a picnic basket and shoved it on the counter. "I've been watching this show for awhile and thought if that Ruto freak can do it then so can I! So I grabbed some stuff from my kitchen, kidnapped Koume and here we are."

Zelda blinked then moved onto Koume. "Did she really kidnap you Koume? And where is your sister these days?"

The old witch threw down her broom making sure it hit Naburoo on the foot then smiled at the camera. "Yes that's right, she kidnapped me, I didn't think it was possible to get drunk on desert sand but she proved me wrong. Anyway this show thing looks like fun so we will see who has the last cackle."

Zelda backed slowly away, "And your sister is where?" She asked again trying not to anger anyone.

One of Koume's eyebrows twitched. "Sister? I have a sister? Since when?"

Zelda rolled her eyes and decided this was useless. "Okay it's time to introduce the next team who will be the Bright Pink team, welcome Navi the famous disappearing fairy and Tatl the local motor mouth!"

First to enter the set was Navi who received shouts of "Hey, Look, Listen!" From the crowd. Next came Tatl, as she entered some of the crowd started ringing bells and making tinkling noises. The tiny fairy stopped flying and turned to face the crowd.

"DON'T PATRONIZE ME!" she screamed then carried on flying.

Zelda had a look of terror on her face but managed to compose herself enough to talk to the fairies. "Hello there Navi, where have you been all this time?"

Navi fluttered in front of Zelda's face, "Look! I've been here, there and everywhere! Well actually I haven't but if I told you where I really went the producers would get mad."

"And me! I've been playing with skull kids and giants!" Tatl squeaked

Zelda nodded. "I see, that sounds very nice. Now let's see what today's contestants have brought shall we?"

Zelda flounced over to the orange team who had now emptied out their picnic basket and pockets, Naburoo having such huge pants to begin with was able to fit an array of goodies, "So girls," Zelda began, "Talk us through your ingredients."

"Well..." Naburoo began, before Koume interrupted her, to drive the point home; the crazy witch shoved the spirit Sage into a conveniently open fridge before slamming the door.

"We have this Iron knuckle head, some crackers, some bread that that wench cooked last night, and a raccoon that some guy in the street gave me." Koume explained, the witch looked around suddenly confused, "Where's the last ingredient?" She pondered to herself as she looked up her sleeves.

Suddenly Naburoo burst out from her fridge prison and smiled coyly for the camera, "I have it!" She cried as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a suspicious looking leg.

"Whose leg is that?" Zelda asked eyeing the familiar clothing that the leg still had stuck to it.

"Hotcakes, Man-aches, Kotake's, I forget whose." Koume replied uninterested.

"I see." Zelda replied neutrally, whilst slowly backing away, "Let's see what the other team has for us!"

Navi and Tatl where floating about casting a soothing glow which bounced off their ingredients.

"What do you have for us then?" Zelda asked still eyeing the crazy witch from the other team.

"Hey! We have a button!" Navi cooed,

"A button?" Zelda asked,

"Some string too!" Tatl added,

"Some string?"

"Yup."

"Listen! Yup!"

"Well," Zelda began fiddling with the pink string, "...it'll probably be the best tasting thing ever made on this show."

The fairies hooted at each other before settling down to devise a plan…not that there could be much planning with some string and a button of all things.

"Well teams you have thirty minutes to cook something edible for Ingo-the-dead-man, I mean for Ingo to eat." Zelda explained whilst hitting a button to begin the countdown.

Unfortunately, said button, only made green thongs rain down from the roof onto the audience, who were already prepared as they pulled out umbrellas in many interesting shades.

"So," Zelda started as she made her way back over to the orange team through the mass of thongs, "What will you ladies be cooking for us?"

"A head leg Sand-witch!" Koume yelled whilst smashing the leg onto a chopping board, "Mm this leg sure is tender!"

Naburoo sighed as she began to chop some bread, narrowly missing cutting her finger off as she received a sharp boot in the head from Kotake's leg.

"Whoops!" Koume hissed with glee, "Sorry there Naburoo, your big nose put me off!"

Naburoo growled like a wolfos, "You're one to talk! With that growth hanging off your face!"

"Now ladies!" Zelda interrupted, "Let's leave the cat fighting for at least twenty minutes in!"

The two snarled at each other but continued their work peacefully, well, unless you didn't count the violent kicking of shins under the counter. Zelda made her way over to the pink team, who were…doing nothing.

"Are you going to start?" Zelda asked curiously.

"Hey! We have!" Navi replied bouncing up and down in flight, and knocking a rather sharp knife off the counter which plunged into the audience, puncturing umbrellas and causing green thongs to swamp the people underneath. The screams went unnoticed.

"Well what are you making?" Zelda inquired, looking at the pink string and brown button.

"A cake!" Tatl supplied helpfully.

"A cake?" Zelda asked dumfounded.

"Yup."

"Out of a button?"

"Listen! Trust us we know what we're doing!" Navi countered.

"Eh ok…I'll let you get on with it then." Zelda said walking off to go and talk to Ingo about why he was there.

"So Ingo, why did you decide to bravely come and be our tester today?"

"Well I was peeping through a window one day; the house just had the most adorable curtains! So anyway, I saw your show on the TV and I saw that you get free food, and well, that just sealed the deal for me!"

"Do you not get fed often?" Zelda asked.

At this Ingo burst out crying and fell off his chair banging the ground with his fists.

"They don't even know that I exist! It's all sleep sleep sleep and sing sing sing, nobody loves me, and nobody cares!"

"Does the madness ever end?" Zelda sighed walking away to go and check on the teams. She was just about to head over to the fairies when she saw they were busily doing nothing yet again. "Yep that will really boost our ratings." The princess mumbled moving onto the other team.

Koume was happily emptying the inedible stuff out of the iron knuckle head when Naburoo 'accidentally' whacked her with a rolling pin.

"Oops sorry old hag, I must have mistaken you for my bread."

Koume grumbled some ancient language then picked up the now empty iron knuckle head. "Mistake my sister's foot, how about you mistake this?" She yelled shoving the head over Naburoo's. The spirit Sage screamed as she tried to pull the head off herself but it was no good. Not being able to see anything caused her to spin around and slam into a nearby fridge knocking herself out.

Zelda huffed, "Tell me Koume do you want to actually win this?"

"Erm…" The witch thought carefully, "Well, sure I guess."

"Then you need your team mate, conscious, breathing, and able to cook!" Zelda screeched, "I'll have no more of this fag hag fighting, this is MY SHOW!" That said the princess of Hyrule picked up a handy dandy fork and proceeded to try and poke the witch's eyes out.

Naburoo found herself conscious, and growled realizing she'd been unconscious. She stood, and after a brief fight with the iron knuckle in which she stepped on something slimy which turned out to be the raccoon that some guy had given them, once free the sassy Sage stopped to watch Zelda and the fag hag go at it in a all out brawl.

Having unsuccessfully not been able to poke the witch's eyes out, Zelda settled for just scraping the fork across the woman's face a few times, once done she stood back and promptly threw the dead raccoon at Naburoo's head, the Sage squealed and began hopping up and down unfortunately falling onto the still weeping Ingo. It was quite a scene.

"Now, we'll have no more trouble from the three of you!" Zelda growled, "If there is, I'll ground you up and sell you as a cheep alternative to Lon Lon milk for Redeads!"

"Mmm milk." Ingo cooed dazedly,

"Mmm Redeads." Naburoo chimed,

"Mmm Kotake leg." Koume chirped hugging the decapitated limb.

"Good." Zelda nodded and walked over to the pink team. Her jaw dropped…and she swiftly fainted. When, after a strong cup of Impa's best tea, Zelda was recovered she pointed at the three level high cake that was now sitting on the pink team's table.

"Where? What?" Zelda gaped.

Navi and Tatl giggled and gave a high-five…well if fairies can high-five.

"Hey! We told you to trust us!" Navi called.

"You're telling me you turned a button…and some string…into that?" Zelda choked.

"Listen! We sure did!" Navi giggled

"Well slap my arse and call me Doris, it looks like we already have a winner but of course the show isn't over until it's over so onwards we must go!" Zelda exclaimed.

Naburoo and Koume both looked at each other and knew they were thinking the exact same thing, the cake had to be destroyed.

Zelda took the centre stage, "Now we will take a quick break, join us soon to see the final five minutes and the testing!"

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The cheesy music begins to play again as the stage lights up to reveal the teams preparing their food for the testing. The fairies are leisurely relaxing on their counter while Naburoo and Koume are huddled together in a corner discussing make up tips maybe?

"Now, you must go and create a distraction so I can sneak over and place this on the cake." Koume whispered holding a piece of dynamite in her crinkly hand.

"Um ok, as stupid as half the people here are don't you think they'd notice a stick of dynamite peeking out of the top of the cake?" Naburoo asked.

"Ah, well using some pretty paper I found laying around in the bathroom I'll decorate it like a candle and voila! No one will notice!" Koume cackled quietly.

Zelda returned to the centre of the stage, taking out her brand new Polly Pocket Deluxe whistle she gave it a sharp blow to signify that cooking time was over.

"Ok teams make sure your creations are ready and then gather over here please!"

The fairies flew to where Zelda was standing followed by an anxious Naburoo who had to think up a distraction fast. She looked up at the skylight in the ceiling; suddenly a brilliant idea came to her.

"Oh my gosh! Look up there, it's the three Goddesses themselves come down to bless us all! Oh and is that the Triforce I see with them?" She screamed pointing up at the sky. The whole room dashed outside including Zelda and the fairies, this gave Koume the chance she needed. Using her cat-like instincts, or lack thereof, the witch hobbled quickly across the floor to the massive cake where she shoved the new 'candle' right into the middle.

"Hey! I can't see a Triforce; all I see is a floating carrot!" Navi yelled angrily as Tatl flew towards the offending vegetable. Once grasped, Tatl brought the carrot to the centre of the stage where the group began to observe it.

"Well!" Ingo announced proudly, "By my deductions, I…well I deduce that it is a carrot!"

"We already established that, dork." Tatl grumbled as she threw the carrot at Ingo, the flying projectile somehow curved in its flight path, heading straight up the man's nose. Deciding the having a carrot up his nose seemed quite attractive, Ingo decided to keep it there.

"Well," Zelda began, choking on her giggles at the pathetic food taster and his carrot, "Now that that is sorted let's get on with the tasting –

"You know what?" Ingo interrupted, "This carrot has really opened my eyes. A gift from the Goddesses themselves! I want to turn my life in a new direction, so from now on call me Machow!"

All movement stilled. All eyes turned to the insanely grinning Ingo…Machow? All looked to Zelda for help…Hey! She is the Sage of wisdom after all!

"Okay…I say," Zelda whispered carefully to the listening masses, "We all nod our heads and agree with the psycho, okay?"

The audience, contestants, and viewers alike nodded their heads in succession and continued on as if nothing had happened.

"Okay so, Naburoo and Koume; let's have your…concoction first." Zelda announced as the pair brought forward and oozing sandwich with toes poking out of one end and sand slipping out from the crusts. Machow grinned hugely as he took a huge bite and began to chew thoughtfully.

Zelda waved her hand in front of the man, and his maddened eyes followed the movement, "Well, he seems coherent. He isn't dead so I guess that's a good sign. How does it taste In-Machow?"

"It tastes like a summer breeze with an acute hint of apple, with a dash of the winds themselves!" In-Machow announced happily.

There was a unanimous blink, as everybody stared at the crazed food tester, "In Hylian please?" Zelda asked rolling her eyes.

"It tastes like fish on toast with a hint of old lady." Machow corrected.

"Okay, now onto the cake!" Zelda announced as the cake was brought fourth.

"Ooh! Look!" Machow called, "A candle! Light it! Light it! Light it! Light it!"

"Okay, okay! Jeez." Zelda sighed as she plucked Navi from the air and held her to the candle. A flair lit the room brightly and without warning the cake exploded in a mass of icing, buttons, and string.

With an angry squeak Zelda wiped the icing from her eyes and jumped as she heard a loud bang. Looking to her left she saw Ing-Machow on the floor; it appeared that the explosion had forced the carrot into the man's brains causing him to…well die.

"Okay…" Zelda said slowly, "It looks like…by some strange series of events that Koume and Naburoo are the winners."

"Oh yes!" Naburoo cried happily as she began to dance, unfortunately slipping on some leftover cake and falling to the ground.

"Naturally!" Koume cried as she kicked the fallen Sage.

"Hey!" Navi called angrily, "This was sabotage!"

"Get over it losers!" Koume said as she flicked the fairies through the skylight and into the beyond.

"I'm not dead." Ingo declared as he stood up and began to dust himself off.

"What?" Zelda inquired as she stared at the now living man, "You have a carrot logged in your brain!"

"Yeah, and you have a fire extinguisher in your pants!" Ingo shot back testily.

"You go too far!" Zelda growled as she pulled said extinguisher from her pants and began to beat the man, "That's all for today folks!" She called as she pounded the man's skull, "Join us next time for more, Ready, Steady, Zelda!"

_End…For now!_

Enjoy? Drop a review…or cookie


	4. Time machines and blood red eyes

Disclaimer: We still own nothing

Authors Note: The fun times are back! Read, enjoy, review, and have a balloon!

Ready Steady Zelda

Chapter Four: Time machines and blood red eyes Skeletons in the fish pot pie!

By: Azure Rose and Forest Girl Kaz

The studio is silent. Several tumbleweeds bounce around on the contestant work benches. Various skeletons litter the seats of the audience.

The sound of clicking heels bounce of the lilac walls of the Ready Steady Zelda studio, and the lights suddenly spring into action with a whirl of cogs and mechanics once again. A blonde head pokes around the corner of the studio wall that divides the back stage and the main filming area.

Sapphire eyes sparkle in annoyance.

"Okay, you have five seconds to get this studio in perfect condition before heads start falling off!" The irate blonde princess screams heatedly.

The studio is suddenly swamped with Stalfos Knights that suspiciously resemble umpa-lumpas, the group of about twenty Umpa-Knights are chanting as they clean the studio of tumbleweeds and an unforgettable green thong, 'Umpa-Night-y, Tektite oooh, we have a very important job to do, we must always never forget, if Zelda gets mad she'll chop of our heads!'

"You want to shut up with the stupid song!" Zelda screeched, as she chased tumbleweed down the fire escape. The Knights looked at one another before shrugging and continuing their chant anyway as they fixed the studio that had fallen into disrepair.

Brushing the dust from her outfit, Zelda pulled a convenient firework from her boot, and lit it, before throwing it into the audience. As it exploded the members of the crowd (who weren't dead) jumped up in their seats and began cheering wildly, as the cheesy music bellowed out of the studio speakers.

Clearing her throat the Princess of Hyrule waved her hands slightly to signal the audience to quiet. However having just woken from their comatose like state, thus having no idea where they were or why they were cheering for, the audience continued to clap and cheer. Boiling with rage the flaxen haired Princess began to jump on the spot, waving madly, "Shut the Goddess up!" she screamed, before falling flat on her royal backside.

The audience began to scream with laughter, some pointed while others nudged their neighbours with mirth (there was a flurry of bones being thrown about, consequently) as they continued to laugh. The Princess jumped to her feet with rage before brandishing a Big Octo; which again was pulled from her person.

"You better shut it if you don't want to be eating seafood for the rest of your lives!" She cried, waving the Octo around like a sword.

The audience instantly became silent, and a stray tumbleweed with legs danced across the stage, Zelda eyed it wirily, "Welcome to Ready Steady Zelda." She breathed quickly; behind her the Umpa-Knights opened their…mouths… to begin their chanting but were silenced when they were all simultaneously struck with a Big Octo, which began munching on them happily.

"Today we have the last round of the First Rounds. Today's winners will move onto the semi finals. The winners of the semi finals will move onto the final where our winners will be decided." She droned uninterestedly, "Now let's meet the first team, the 'Psychedelic Orange Team!'"

From behind the backstage divider a mousy looking red head stepped forward, blushing at the many eyes staring at her. Quaking under the pressure of possibly becoming a world chef the girl backed away slowly. Suddenly she blanched, rushed forward and jumped behind her work station, frowning, Zelda approached, "Welcome Anju!" she began distractedly, "Why the sudden burst of courage?"

'_You like the good I like the bad ones freaky and the mad ones sexy and polite ones '_

'_I like girls!'_

'_Taste of any kinda flavor, chocolate, vanilla, caramel is what I favor!' _

Zelda frowned as she watched Skullkid skid onto the set, hPod (Short for Hyrule Pod-o-nano technology!) set securely in place in his belt. Grooving and attempting to dance and sing to the tune blasting from the headphones.

"Shut it off!" The Princess screamed, stamping and picking up the closest pointy object which unfortunately happened to be a green thong, "Gah!" She hissed and grabbed the hPod from the dancing kid, "No singing. No dancing. No fun. No nothing!"

"Umpa-Night-y, Tektite oooh."

"Silence!" The girl screamed.

The faint sound of crickets chirping from the fire escape was quickly silenced as a handy dandy firework was thrown down it.

"Thank you." She breathed at last, "The Psychedelic Orange Team, Skullkid and Anju, thanks for coming." The blonde smiled at the camera before shooting a dark glare at the pair and hissing, "Anymore stunts like that and I will _castrate_ you!"

Suddenly the room became dark followed by a flash of multicoloured lights which danced along the lilac walls. The audience held onto their hats and thongs as a large blue box flickered into view. Zelda gasped as a strong breeze blew through the room, looking backstage she saw a few of the cameramen holding electric fans. Storming over to one she snatched the fan and smashed it over his head.

"Turn these things off now before I do the same to all of you!" She demanded tossing the fan out one of the closed windows which was now a hole in the wall.

"Someone didn't get her Barbie deluxe play set for Christmas obviously." One of the men whispered to the others.

Back on set the 'box' stopped spinning and a moment later two figures were thrown out of the door. One was blonde wearing what seemed to be a pirate outfit while the other looked like some kind of bird in a dress. The blonde figure stood up shaking a fist at the 'box'

"Damn you Doctor! No one kidnaps Tetra the greatest Pirate ever to sail the 107 seas!"

Zelda raised a brow walking over to the girl. "Doctor? Doctor who?" She asked.

"Dr Who indeed!" Tetra shouted. Looking around at her surroundings she noticed there wasn't a speck of water in sight. Grabbing Zelda by the collar she started gibbering insanely.

"Water, where, water, sea, waves, boat, WATER! I need water sweet mother water!" Loosening herself from the crazy girl Zelda strolled over to the taps where conveniently an empty bucket was waiting. Calmly filing it up she returned to Tetra.

"Here's some water." She smiled pouring it over the pirate then dumping the bucket on her head. Taking out her script she browsed down it lazily. "Ah yes, we were expecting you; please give a wet welcome to the Pink Team, Tetra and Medli from the future!"

There were 'oooos' and 'aaaaas' from the crowd.

Shoving pink plastic bags on them (the budget won't cover aprons anymore) Zelda pushed them behind their counter.

"Now let's see what the Orange team has brought to entice and surprise us with this time!"

Anju nervously brought out a small bag, looking shiftily around the studio she carefully emptied it out onto the counter. Zelda waited patiently as the woman took each thing out ever so slowly. Ten minutes later Zelda had had enough, stealing the bag she threw the contents all over the floor. Out fell a mushroom, some spoons, a piece of toilet paper, some rooms keys and a shiny knife with the words 'Kill Mother' written on the handle.

"Oh dear, how did that get in there?" Anju innocently asked inwardly cursing her stupidity for bringing such an object.

"Hey hot stuff why don't you save one of those room keys for you and I later tonight?" Skullkid winked at Anju who screamed in terror. Zelda slapped herself over the forehead before proceeding to slap the adolescent kid.

Rubbing his sore face(?) Skullkid began taking bits and pieces from his clothing to reveal; a dead keese, a gibdo sock, the moon's nose and Majora's Mask.

"Now let's see what culinary delights the Pink team has brought for us today." Zelda said cheerfully as Skullkid fell on the floor suddenly, "S-so," She faltered, trying to contain her urges to dive over the table and throttle the adolescent troublemaker, "what do you have for us, Medli and erm Tetra?"

The girls looked at each other before hoisting a fishing net onto the table, out of it slopped a wet Boko Baba, the head of the Helmaroc King, a flannel, a lettuce, a sail, and a Tingle Tuner.

A seagull suddenly flapped from the net cawing and fluttering around the room. The bird swooped toward Zelda who stumbled backward and tripped over Skullkid who was trying to peer up her skirt. Both the bird and the woman shrieked at the boy, who quickly jumped up and collided with Tetra who began to punch the Skullkid in the nose.

"Stop!" Anju screamed, her blue eyes flashing red. The girl huffed and pumped herself up ready to attack, but she was deflated and a dollop of bird poop slopped onto her shoulder. The girl blushed and began to dab it off.

Skullkid, looking abashed returned to his table, Tetra looked pleased and gave a high-five to her partner. Zelda stood also, and dusted herself off, "Absolutely no more messing about, or I will turn your face into a mask by removing it from your body, you with me!" Zelda hissed at the now sulking Skullkid.

"Yes, Ma'am." He replied.

Just as the princess was going to continue, strange ball music drifted into the room followed by a row of dancing monkeys. One of the monkeys looked oddly like Princess Ruto. A few weird seconds later a dancing couple twirled into the room knocking over the Ruto shaped Monkey who scurried out of the room screaming about life insurance. The music came to a halt but the couple carried on dancing totally oblivious to the world around them.

"Let us welcome this episode's food tasters; Honey and Darling!" Zelda expected them to stop and say something but that wasn't going to happen. Taking out a long pole she gently poked them into position. "Okay now that everyone is here, let the cooking commence!" Blowing on a trumpet to signify the start of the competition she growled when a purple banana flew out of the end landing right in between Honey and Darling who proceeded to dance on it.

"Alright baby let's get this side of the room all steamed up!" Skullkid grinned over at the Orange table; Anju stroked her knife lovingly, eyes flashing a dangerous red once more before she smiled cheerily.

"What shall we make?" She pondered surveying their ingredients. "Hmm yes, I know! How about a Keese soup with everything chucked in?"

"If that's what you want Sweet lips then that is what you shall have." Skullkid grinned again leaning over to her for a kiss, moving quickly to the side Anju sniggered as he tumbled to the floor.

At the pink counter the girls were still wondering where the heck they were but decided to just get on with it.

"So ladies, what will you be cooking up for us?" Zelda asked simply whilst eyeing the Skullkid on the floor.

"Well…" Medli began only to be interrupted by a cry of horror from Skullkid.

"What's your problem?" Zelda asked menacingly.

"W-what is that on her head!" Skullkid cried, pointing at Medli in horror.

Medli began to wail and buried her face into Tetra's shoulder, "Tet-chan he's picking on me because of my nose beak!" the girl wailed, "Why Tet-chan?"

Tetra eyed the Skullkid, a look of pure anger dancing in her cobalt eyes, "You better start praying jerk!" she spat as she pounced on the boy and began throttling him with a fishing net, while shouting, "You apologize you no-face hole-head jerk! You're one to talk about being ugly!"

"No!" Skullkid cried fending of the blows with a spoon, "It's not her nose, though it does score quite high on the weird snoot meter!" He wailed as he dodged a starfish, "There's something on the back of her head!"

Zelda, who was enjoying the fight, peered curiously at the back of the sobbing girl's head, "Oh holy-macaroni-Goddess-diggy-bobet! A possum!"

Medli jumped up at the sudden exclamation from the princess only to realise, that yes, there was a dirty great big possum clinging on to the back of her head, it only had sunglasses on, but that was beside the point, "Ahh!" The Sage screamed, "Tet-chan a possum! Help!"

Tetra jumped off the still spoon-waving Skullkid and in a matrix style action jumped into the air before landing an expert roundhouse kick on the possum, "Take that!" She cried triumphantly, before realising that she was still stuck in the air, "Eek! Get me down!"

Zelda growled and pulled the pirate from the air before plopping her behind her desk, "Can we get on now, please?" She said warningly.

"Um, before that…" Anju began hesitantly as she held up the possum, "What's a possum…?"

Silence…crickets chirped and the tumbleweed with legs dashed onto the set before diving down the fire escape to eat the offending crickets.

"Who cares!" Zelda shrieked as she plucked the possum from the girl's hand before chucking it backstage, where it collided with a monkey Ruto that was trying to pick the pocket of an Umpa-Knight, "Get on with it!"

"Okay, okay!" Tetra sighed, "We're going to make a Roast Helmaroc von Boko Baba, with a lettuce and flannel sauce. We'll roast it in the sail to lock in that sea-fresh flavour"

"Sounds disturbing…" Zelda said, seemingly more calm, "well get cracking!"

A loud crack echoed around the studio.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Zelda mumbled.

As soon as the timer began The Orange team set to work creating their dish. Skullkid picked up Majora's Mask to place neatly on the stove. While he did that, Anju started cutting up the Moon's nose with her knife smiling sweetly with each chop. Since Skullkid was too busy drooling over Anju he didn't notice the stove was overheating.

"Yes, yes, yesss." Voices hissed from inside the mask. "Power!" It screamed. The stove unexpectedly exploded sending the mask flying towards the Pink team, Tetra ducked under the counter but it was too late for Medli. The mask attached itself to her face; thunder clapped in the background, the ground shook fiercely, spoons rolled along the floor. The whole room held its breath waiting to see what would happen next. Medli jumped onto the counter kicking a plate from it before she….

Started Irish dancing!

Tetra gaped at her Rito friend before jumping up and joining her. The two linked arms dancing into the centre of the stage. Skullkid leapt over his counter to join the girls; soon a row of contestants and cameramen were jigging it out across the room. Zelda narrowed her eyes at the show wrecking mask, attempting to dance herself, she made her way over to Medli. Slipping her elegant hands around the sides of the mask she tugged like she'd never tugged at anything before. A moment later the princess and the mask shot across the room landing in a trashcan by the exit. Wiping an old chicken off her head Zelda took a bite out of the cursed mask.

"Mm, not bad but it needs a little sauce."

After the contestants had finished their dancing they finally got down to some actual cooking. Zelda was on guard, prepared and ready for when the show went elf-up, but for twenty minutes all was well.

Zelda, blinking hard in shock headed over to Honey and Darling who were seated quite comfortably at their tasting table, "So, Honey, Darling. What erm encouraged you to come on today's show?"

"You…are…more beautiful…than shepherd's pie!"

"And you…erm…rock my world baby!"

Zelda huffed, "Hello! What made you come on today's show?"

"You…are sensationally super…like soup!"

"And you…are so handsome…that a cow…would want to…milk you?"

"You people scare me." Zelda said, slowly inching away from the pair and their whispering sentiments.

Zelda headed over to the Orange table to have a peek at the how their soup was coming along. She wasn't surprised to see them boiling their soup over a fire after their oven had exploded, "How are you guys getting along?"

"Suuu-per" Skullkid whispered huskily, "But you know I only have eyes for you, baby cakes."

"I was referring to the food you nit." Zelda reprimanded, "how's the food preparing going!"

"Oh." Skullkid replied masking his upset, "Oh, the food, well it's, edible."

"I wouldn't say that." Anju whispered hefting a lump of seaweed from the pot with her ladle, "See this seaweed?"

"Yeah." Zelda replied eyeing the green glop.

"It's not seaweed." Anju said seriously.

"So what is it?"

"Well I'll call my psychic guide and get back to you on that."

Back at the Pink table Tetra was attempting to fry the sail. Slipping it into a pan she carefully placed it on the stove turning the switches to full power. Assuming the nearest bottle next to her was seasoning she added it to the sail for extra flavour. What the girl didn't know was that one of the monkeys had switched the seasoning with some special monkey mix glue, tipping the whole thing onto the sail she grinned and started singing.

"Oh a pirate's life is the life for me, two for lunch, five for tea, up and over the great blue sea!"

"Tetra don't let that sail fry too long." Medli warned as she began stuffing the helmaroc head with pieces of flannel.

"Okay I'll take it out now." Tetra replied putting her hand into the boiling pan; it was obvious she'd never done much cooking before. "Aaahh my sword hand!" She screamed. "What the? I can't let go!" Tetra wailed flailing her hand which was now glued in the pan around in the air. Swinging swiftly around she whacked Medli in the face sending the poor Rito girl crashing into the side of a cupboard. Unfortunately the messy animals had also gotten glue all over that certain cupboard door so Medli was now stuck to it.

Tetra shoved her hand and pan under the cold tap, turning it on she groaned when chocolate poured out of the end.

"Can whoever the heck is in charge get their butt over here?" She yelled watching her hand become a chocolate mold.

Zelda shuffled over skidding on the darned purple banana as she did so. Peeling purple sludge from her shiny green boots she stared in fascination at the scene.

"Right, Tetra you stick your hand and whatever else is on the end of your arm in the freezer for a moment. Medli I'll get someone to wedge you and the door away from the rest of the counter." Zelda took out her phone to call the TV show help line. After much talking and waiting on the line she got what she wanted. A large yellow chu chu entered the studio carrying a chainsaw. Bouncing dangerously over to the disaster zone it slashed at various things before managing to hit the cupboard dead on.

Zelda winced watching some expensive cameras being hacked to bits. That help line wouldn't be getting her custom again. Ever. At least now Medli was free…apart from the door glued to her back but when did something like that stop people from cooking on live TV?

"Anyway, it's time for the commercial break. Join us soon for the results!"

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Cheesy music blared out of the speakers as Zelda positioned herself in the centre of the stage.

"Welcome back loyal viewers, faithful fans and scary Tingles! The cooking time is now over so let's see what our teams have concocted shall we?" Zelda folded her arms wondering why Honey and Darling weren't coming over for the tasting. Reaching for her trusty pole she pushed the dancing idiots over to the tasting spot where Skullkid and Anju were ready with their dish.

"You are…more beautiful than…a washing machine on full cycle." Zelda took the chance to slip a spoon in their mouths as they babbled on about each other.

"You are…more tasty than...this dish."

Suddenly the whole room began to shake, a large round eye peeped in through the window.

"Where is my nose?" A booming voice roared. Leaving the stage Zelda headed over to see what the fuss was about. Peering outside she saw a massive moon sitting on the ground with its nose chopped off.

"Excuse me?" She asked trying to hide her laughter.

Looking into the studio the moon screamed when it saw Anju. The Inn keeper glared it the giant circular thing, her eyes flashing blood red.

"No, not her again! Never mind!" But it was too late, Anju dropped the dish onto the floor before diving out after the moon. Swinging her knife in the air she cackled hysterically.

"I'll take one of those eyes this time!" The others heard her yelling as she chased the rolling moon down a hill.

"Okay…moving quickly on." Zelda went back inside to finish the show. "Let's see if the Pink team will produce a better result."

Lifting up a glue covered helmaroc head the girls shoved it into Honey and Darling's mouths. The pair continued to dance as they chewed; drops of glue stuck itself to their lips disabling anymore sappy comments.

"Mmm mm mmmm mmmm!" They tried to speak through their sticky lips. Zelda took the 'mmms' to mean they liked the food.

"It looks like we have our winners folks! Give a big cheer for Tetra and Medli!

Honey and Darling carried on chewing when suddenly there was a crunching noise. One of them had bitten down on the buttons of the Tingle Tuner.

"Hosting this show is such a blast." Zelda said sarcastically.

"Did someone say blast?" The crazy freak known as Tingle shouted from his balloon. Taking out a handful of bombs he tossed them around the room giggling with glee.

Hiding in the middle of Honey and Darling Zelda pulled one of the cameras right up to her face. "Join us next time on Ready Steady Zelda for the Semi finals where episode 1 winners Impa and Ganondorf will face off against episode 3 winners Nabooru and Koume. See you then….if I survive this!"

End of chapter four

Azure Rose: Thanks for the wonderful and encouraging reviews. Rest assured this story will be completed and it's going to be one smee of a ride getting there!

Forest Girl Kaz: I have a shiny new name…but I'm still the Cool in Cool Azure!

Azure Rose: And I'm still the Azure!

Forest Girl Kaz: …For now! Mwhahahahahahahahahah ((cough))

Azure Rose: ((Pats Forest Girl Kaz on the back))


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